I'm Thankful for Harmony

Can you see what is wrong with this picture??? You're are a winner if you guessed that the baby is sleeping in a BED and NOT a crib!

But what was even more problematic with this picture was that this was MY baby at 10 months old taking her nap in MY bed. Like many of you, I saw nothing wrong with it as I knew the alternative after rocking her for almost an hour to sleep would be her waking up from her sleep the moment she felt her body being lowered into her crib. If I left her there.... she would cry rather than sleep, thereby making the whole point of naps, well... pointless. So I felt the only way I could protect her naps was to sit in my room and watch her so that she wouldn't wake up and crawl off my bed (she has been known to awake without a peep and just crawl right off into mid air). It was so bad sometimes that she wouldn't even let me undo my arms to get up from the bed or she'd fuss. Things just got worse and worse, as she began needing longer naps... and I was a slave to a quiet room when I could have been doing better things with my time if she were in her crib, like cleaning my house.

Before leaving for California to visit my in-laws, I had gotten her to sleep in her crib by allowing her to cry for up to 30 mins.... but then she'd only take a 30 min nap, wake up, and cry all over again for another 20 min... until she fell asleep and repeat the process (you get the idea). The result was more crying than napping, sleep that was barely restorative, and a slightly happier mom that could get things done around the house

But then on our vacation, I knew it wouldn't stick. And of course, she made me look like a mom who couldn't get control over her daughter to my in-laws (which was becoming true). Because each day of my vacation, hours were spent bouncing her to sleep on the bed. Both me and my aching back began to increasingly resent this sleep situation... and Avelyn's stubbornness. So while I was held hostage watching her sleep on my niece's bed instead of enjoying a visit with my in-laws, I decided to take back control and read a book about getting her to be an independent napper.

The first book I read was "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. Yes, I'm a first time mom and I don't like hearing her cry... but I'm not opposed to crying if she learns to sleep and if she doesn't get so worked up that she vomits... (another story all together). And that wasn't working. So I'd thought I'd hear if this author had any tips. Her complete approach was enough for my persistent daughter. Maybe it would've worked if I'd have started programming my daughter from birth, but I did learn about by putting her to sleep the very moment I saw signs of grogginess. Because by the time she begins rubbing her eyes... the window of sleepiness has already passed, she's got a second wind, and the length of time to put her to sleep doubles. The best idea she had was to write and illustrate your own book about your sleep routine to your child so that she understands that sleep is fun and incorporate it into your pre-bedtime lineup. The author also promoted creating a sleep log, which I would later find as a very useful tool.

Oh, and did I mention that this sleep war was causing me to virtually LOSE MY MIND? That I would take out my frustrations on my husband and that my back arched with every piece of well-meaning advice (that I had already tried) from my in-laws? In fact, I had blamed Avelyn's whole sleep aversion on them because her father was/is also a poor sleeper. But what was worse... as I had alluded to... it was affecting my mothering. I was short with my daughter in discipline. And she was lashing back between my attitude and the behavior between my husband and I by misbehaving with tantrums.

I had no more energy. When we came back from CA, I came down with a miserable cold. I physically could not rock her to sleep anymore or I would uncontrollably cough. So in my despair and continued slavery of watching her nap in my bed, I picked up the next book that I thought would be another futile effort. I cried out to God for an answer.

And then it happened.

Dr. Weissbluth's answer was so simple. Children need their naps protected. To protect their naps they need a schedule, but not just any schedule - one that works with their biological clock. In his book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," he explained that babies are usually programmed to wake up at 6 or 7 am. And babies at Avelyn's tender age of 14 months, need 11 to 12 hours of sleep at night (which she was doing) and 2 to 3 hours of naps a day (not happening). Logically, he continued that if she were to wake at 6 or 7 am... she would need to be in bed by 6 or 6:30 for a full 12 hours... or even 5:30 pm. Moving the bedtime up not only works with the baby's biological clock, waking earlier encourages them to take longer naps. "Wow! That's it?" I thought to myself. If I had known this... I would have done it months go! Well, there's a little more. His research has also indicated that babies do well with a morning nap around 9 am and a mid-morning nap around 11 am. But it's not just the schedule... it's the high amount of activity and play between the naps that promotes the long nap.

I wondered why this would work now when it didn't seem to be necessary when she was 9 months old. His answer was brilliant to me. I'm not sure why I never noticed it myself. Avelyn was taking 3 naps at day at 9 months. But when a baby loses a nap... they need to have their bedtime moved up to compensate for the lost sleep. So there it was... Avelyn had been sleep deprived all these months and I didn't even know it!

The next part in tackling her naps was the amount of time I was rocking her to sleep. Just moving her bedtime up and giving her naps earlier made it easier for me because she was sooooooo tired that she was ready to nap even more than I'd ever known her. The next part was that I set a time for how long I would do the routine. Read a book or two, rock her, kiss her, and put her in bed. Leave the room and let her cry.

The part where Dr. Weissbluth and the Elizabeth Pantley authors agree is that a sleep log is a must. So with my log, I noticed that the day before I turned Avelyn's world upside down with her schedule and I put her in her bed, she cried for 40 min. And then she woke up and cried for another 6 min. before going back to sleep. But the FIRST DAY that I tried Dr. Weissbluth's routine, she cried for only 5 minutes! But then when she woke back up for what I call "phase 2" of her nap, she cried for 17 min. The second day, she cried so hard she did vomit... but only because I learned that she gets angrier to be placed in her crib asleep and hates getting woken up to find herself in her crib. But if I put her in her crib drowsy, she would acclimate easier with minimal crying. And by that very night, the SECOND NIGHT, she was putting herself to sleep with only 30 SECONDS of crying! I've been doing the whole routine consistently now for 5 days and she now puts herself to sleep with only seconds of crying!!!! I can literally place her in her crib AWAKE, turn off the lights, and before I can turn on her video monitor, she's SOUND TO SLEEP!

It's like I have a different baby! The easy go-to-sleep baby that I've always been jealous of that my friends had now lives in my house. My marriage is now reaping the rewards! I'm not angry anymore and I have so much time now I can finally do the cleaning and fun projects like starting (yes, only starting) her baby scrapbook.

THANK YOU, Dr. Weissbluth! I highly recommend him to anyone. I know that every child has a different personality. But he has an answer for a variety of personalties. Knowing what I know now I wonder if Avelyn has actually been as delightful of a sleeper as she is a sweet baby girl all along or if it's a combination of that and timing...

For those of you who have always had the easy sleeper or those of you without any children, I can only relate to you the dramatic change in this way. A few months ago, I watched an episode of The Little Mermaid TV show where the Evil Stingray hated seeing that Ariel and all the creatures of the sea sang in harmony. So, he did everything he could to spread rumors about everyone to each other and to hate each other's differences. Once he saw how well that he had divided up the sea creatures against each other, he squealed in delight. The sharks began hating the jellyfish because they had "ink for brains". The only people in the sea not falling for the Evil's Stingray's ploys was Ariel and Flounder, who got everyone back to their senses that their minds were being filled with ridiculous resentment, when they could all be singing in harmony.

So Avelyn's sleep problem had been dividing my husband and I. And now that this problem is solved, my eyes were opening that I had the power to change my attitude all along (just when I was beginning to think that my husband was the one with "ink for brains").

All during my California vacation, I sought this peace and harmony, but couldn't seem to find it not only because I was exhausted and I felt like a failure as a mother, but because I wasn't choosing peace. I know also that just like the Evil Stingray, there is also an outside Evil One who squeals in delight to see how frustrated we are. There was no way I could give anyone that satisfaction. Waiting until frustration builds to the point that we're not demonstrating love to our family even though we know that we love them is suffering.

So on this Thanksgiving Day, I'm thankful that I was able to cook a delicious turkey and bake delectable stuffing while my daughter napped. I am SO thankful that my daughter is sleeping! And the change happened when I needed it the most from the nap tyranny I was living under so that I could recover from my cold. I never thought it would be so wonderful!

I am thankful that the hearts of my husband are now as close as they've been in a long time to beating as one. We are the Yin and the Yang. We are at peace. Even though sickness has plagued me, my mom, and my dad, so that we couldn't all be together today, I am thankful that I was enjoying the day with my own family. I am so blessed with my family. But most importantly, I am thankful that I was able to love and serve my family today and I look forward to choosing more opportunities to appreciate the different viewpoints my husband has with the motive of genuine care for his opinion rather than my own.

Now, if I could just get her to eat more... any thoughts on that out there?